and at first, this made me really upset. but then i realized… not being able to understand in this case is the best thing i could ever ask for. i don’t want to be able to understand this. so i’ll just know he’s at peace and hopefully come to peace with it myself soon.
i’ve never had someone that i was friends with die before. sure, i’ve had grandparents, great-aunts, family friends die. but those people were old. and i really wasn’t that close with them. and it affected me, but in a very different way.
hearing that someone i love took their life is not something i was prepared to handle, nor would i ever be, i guess. it just hits you in a completely different way. this is someone i hugged, made jokes with, had a crush on, laughed at. this is someone who shared his story with hundreds of people and really, genuinely seemed like he was getting past the hard times in his life and overcoming those obstacles.
it definitely really upset and shocked me to hear what happened, but i keep looking at this picture that’s on my wall and knowing that we had so much fun and that this version of mark is the one that i remember and always will. i won’t think about what happened today, but all the other days we’ve spent together and that all the times he’s made me laugh count way more than the tears that are happening now.
we love you mark. i know you’re on to something better.